Marital Infidelity Recovery: 6 Reason NOT to Work on the Marriage

I often explain that "polarized couples" (one wants to 'talk it through' and the other hopes it 'goes away' for example) find their marriage grinding to a halt when they believe they must "work on the relationship?'

Here are some difficulties typically experienced when a couple commits to "working on the relationship:"

1. "Working on the relationship" often implies that each "should or must" act, feel and think particular ways to make their efforts successful. A "should" sets one up for failure and disappointment, for no one ever fully acts, thinks for feels as they "should." An atmosphere of effort and grinding it out permeates the couple. And, each holds his/her breath, as they both believe that failure follows the next interaction. Talk about pressure! I assume you want a different environment created in your relationship.

2. "Working on the relationship" for a huge percentage of the couples I encounter means being "nice," accommodating the other and being on your best behavior. Conflict is seen as a catastrophe. Such a strategy, in essence, obscures and clouds the truth. The truth, which sets a couple free, is relegated to the background and buried under the surface.

3. "Working on the Relationship" often means trying to find a "middle ground." There must be "something in common" that holds the couple together and make it better. Well, maybe there isn't any "common ground!" And, just maybe that is good. Perhaps the differences, the extremes, give the couple fire and passion and create, together, that which each, at one level, is looking for.

4. "Working on the relationship” often means working hard to meet the needs of the other. I "sacrifice" my needs, or at least put them on the back burner, and intentionally go about "making my partner happy" by attending to his/her needs. This may work for a period of time but resentment at some point emerges since one or both believe that the need meeting is not being reciprocated to the degree he/she would like.

5. "Working on the relationship" often is thwarted because there is not enough depth. Individual differences are not pursued with a curiosity and intensity that allows for maximum growth of the individual and therefore couple. "Issues" are not torn apart, looked at, marveled at, appreciated and seen as a resource for further self exploration and self disclosure.

6. "Working on the relationship" often comes up short because a couple easily reverts to old patterns. They begin to "swirl" in the old communication patterns and ways of thinking, feeling and acting. When lacking adequate exploration of differences and avoiding conflict the couple easily slides back into that which was familiar, not pleasant or comfortable, but certainly known territory.

I'm assuming you don't merely want to "work on" the relationship, but you want a total overhaul. After all, the infidelity crisis does provide a great opportunity to recreate and redesign the relationship, now that you are wiser.

About The Author

Dr. Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach, offers infidelity help and relationship advice for coping with extramarital affairs and marital infidelity at: http://Break Free-From-the-Affair.com and http://Infidelity-help.com. Get articles and free downloads on emotional infidelity, coping with infidelity, the cheating spouse, signs of an affair, surviving infidelity and more.

Ideas For Marriage Proposal

1. Rent a horse and carriage and take her for a romantic ride. Propose the old fashioned way on bended knee before getting into the carriage and riding away together. One of our clients did this in Richmond Park in London.

2. Cook and set an elaborate candlelight table (or get a professional caterer to deliver) for a quiet romantic dinner for two at home. Serve her a glass of champagne with the diamond ring in the bottom or ribboned to the stem.

3. Arrange a romantic weekend away. After a perfect day of relaxing and pampering for her - surprise her with the ring and proposal.

4. Create a treasure hunt for her on her birthday or other special occasion so that she is not necessarily expecting a proposal. Create clues that lead her to uncover one-by-one treasured memories of photos or past presents from your time together so far. The last clue should lead her to the ring box and a simple "Will you marry me" note.

5. Take her for a romantic picnic or boat ride outdoors and have a plane sky-write your proposal. Be ready to present the ring when she sees your proposal.

6. Hire a magician to entertain just the two of you. Have the magician make the box with the engagement ring mysteriously appear as the surprise ending of the last trick.

7. Take her back to the first restaurant where you dined and surprise her with the ring. You can arrange for the waiter to present it to her with the dessert.

8. Decorate a Christmas tree with lights and only one ornament -- a ribbon or bow tied around the ring box. Ask her over for a Christmas celebration for just the two of you.

9. For a very traditional approach, ask her father for her hand in marriage. When the approval is given, make plans for the next family gathering and make your proposal to her in private with diamond in hand. When she says yes, stand up and announce your engagement to everyone.

10. Prime a friend with harmless little secrets about the two of you, and have him pose as a psychic when you dial. Be sure to ask the right personal questions to make it look authentic. Have the psychic predict a diamond in her very near future. Then make your proposal on the spot.

11. If she likes sports, then take her to a local or professional sporting event and arrange to have your message displayed on the scoreboard after halftime..."Naomi...Will you marry me?" Have the diamond ready to present when she sees it.

12. Arrange to have dinner together at your favorite Chinese restaurant. Have the waiter give her a special fortune cookie with "Will you marry me?" in it. Or you could have it say, "You will receive a diamond in the very near future." And present the diamond in a box.

13. During dinner at your favorite restaurant, arrange with the waiter to have the diamond in a box as one of the choices on the dessert tray. Tell her she is the sweetest thing you know and you can't resist her any longer.

14. Rent a limousine for the evening and be inside when they pick her up at home or work. Take her to an elegant restaurant for a romantic candlelight dinner for two, then present her the diamond on the way home in the limousine.

15. For the chocoholic: Chocolate-dip the diamond box, and put it in the centre of a big box of chocolates when you are alone for the evening. She will always wonder what's in the largest piece of chocolate that she has seen. Pick it up for her and open it with a flair.

16. Invite her for some games at home. Use Scrabble letters and spell out "Will you marry me?" Have the diamond close by.

17. Plan a romantic train journey (the Orient Express does day trips) and propose en route as you pass some beautiful scenery.

18. Take her for a surprise picnic at the beach or in the woods. At the picnic spot, spell out "Marry Me" with stones, flowers or seashells. Put the diamond in her hand when she says yes.

19. Take her to the highest local peak, get down on one knee and make the highest commitment possible with the highest quality diamond you can afford.

20. Write her a song or poem especially for the occasion and sing/say it aloud or arrange for a professional singer/band.

About The Author

Indira Marchant PhD provides information and services for those seeking to buy diamond engagement rings and other jewelry for that special moment; More details can be found at http://www.bestdiamonds.co.uk.

The Path to Forever: Intimacy and a Lasting Marriage

For a marriage to survive and last until that dreamy "forever," intimacy must exist between the couple. What is intimacy anyway? This just does not pertain to the act of making love, but fulfilling each other's emotional needs. It entails enlightening conversations in between kisses and caresses.

A lot of marriage counselors chalk up the longevity of a marriage to how intimate the couple is. Here are some ways to achieve that intimacy for that ideal, almost magical marriage:

1. All work and no intimacy make a dull couple.

It is a given that after a crazy day at the office, the husband and wife both feel exhausted. But they must not let it get in the way of their relationship. They must allow for some quality time in and out of their love bed.

2. The husband must give what his wife wants: quality talk time.

Wives want to talk things out and express what is inside their hearts. The husband must grant her that as this is one way to achieve emotional intimacy.

3. The couple must still exert an effort to look attractive.

It does not mean that both must be “dressed up” all the time. But married couples must still try their best to look nice for their partners. This is one of the ways to start up the intimacy.

4. The couple must schedule dates.

Dating must not end at marriage. In fact, both should set a time to go out and have fun, just like before.

5. Husband and wife must continually unleash their romantic side.

Kisses, hugs, flowers, holding hands, stolen smacks...’the works’ - they do magic in a relationship.

6. Surprises are nice.

Sweet surprises always lead to intimacy. If the couple knows when to pull off these incredibly romantic stints, then that's a surefire way to attain a divorce-proof relationship.

7. Solving a problem before it gets blown out of proportion is important.

Intimacy loses its appeal once it gets "infected" by those conflicts that cripple the relationship. Conflicts should let a couple grow and not cause the downfall.

It is nice to earn that happily-ever-after plateau. But marriage is not as easy as a Disney fairytale had told everyone. Intimacy must be maintained long after the honeymoon is over to guarantee the husband and wife that yes, this marriage would last. That yes, forever is possible.

About The Author

Joe and Emily Season are experts when it comes to relationships and marriage. They have helped countless couples find real happiness in their lives. Sign up now for their exciting new ezine at http://www.seasonedlove.org.